I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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