med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We have started to decorate penises.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
