So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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