I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
