Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
