So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
