I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
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