I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
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I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
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What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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