i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
