I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
