I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
