i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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