no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
