went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
