you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
