I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
