and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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