she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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