Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
