oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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