The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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