drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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