when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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