i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Operation Purity has been aborted
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
