I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
so much tequila, so little girl.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
