I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
