My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
