my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
