i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
