im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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