You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
