I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
