the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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