Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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