He uses pillows to masturbate.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
