i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
