you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
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What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
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I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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