I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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