There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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