I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
