So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
