Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
