im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
