I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
