Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
