you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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