Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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