My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
