I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
