Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I want a musical about memes.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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