can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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