OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
