my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
