yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
