spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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