don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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