This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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