"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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