he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is my gift to your gina
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize